I am Beloved

I am a living proof of God’s victory.

As proud as it may seem, I am confident enough to say that I am. I'm only in my late 20s and haven’t really proved anything much to the world, but as I recount the years of my existence, I am 101% certain.

I've experienced joy, frustrations, heartaches, depression and betrayals. My life issues may not be as appalling, bold, tear-jerker and significant as the others but in my world, they are as big and horrendous as any problem can be. I even doubted at one point the reason for my way of life, but interestingly never felt uncertain that God existed. I'm a control freak and I like things to go my way. I've been rebellious at times but would always find my way back. I've got plans and have always dreamed of fame, fortune and pleasure. But unfortunately whatever I do, God never gave me what I wanted.

Instead, he would always give me what I need.

My decision to come to Kuwait came in a jiffy. My salary working in the Government sector is not enough but I'm about to be promoted permanently. My career’s doing great although my routine has turned dreary. My social life is also blossoming, with great people surrounding me. I've also got future plans to travel and do things that I've always wanted to do. But somewhere in my comfortable life..I felt lacking. You know that weird sense of emptiness that people at my age shouldn't be feeling.

Is that what you call mid-life crisis?

Dude, seriously?

I have absolutely no idea. I am happy and I know that I feel content somehow.. but the feeling of wanting to do something and be somewhere won’t go away. So when the chance of Kuwait came up, BAM! I’m out of the country in an instant. Sitting on the plane bound for Kuwait with my Mom in tow is not a picture I would want to remember for the rest of my life, more so convincing myself the reality that just dawned on me. I’m suddenly unemployed, broke, no social life and going to live with my parents for the next year or so. Convincing me of my new reality because of the out-of-the-blue decision suddenly came to haunt me.

Anyway I also do want to find a sense of adventure and something that’s out of my control right? But then you can lie to everyone but definitely not to yourself. So what’s the main reason why I did that?

Escape.

I want to be something else. To be livin’ la vida loca!

I want to have an adventure, to do the things what other people have experienced. I want to have a fun, roller-coaster-kind-of-life. Besides life is too short to waste on unimportant things and we obviously live once. Just like the old saying goes, Carpe Diem!

Fast forward more than two years from that plane ride I'm still stuck living in with my parents and only earning an income through my freelance online job. My idea of adventure didn't happen for things that I found myself lacking, financially so to speak. I'm also still patiently on hold waiting for a more stable work application that I have processed for the last two years and counting. Even though I've decided to give up for the nth time, but somehow when I'm on the verge of doing that small abrupt wake-up calls out of nowhere would overturn my decision to stick with it through thick and thin. It’s probably called divine intervention? No idea really, but I guess it’s a way that God tells me to be a bit more patient. Yes, patience. It’s a very big word that I have obediently been doing and applying to my life ever since.

But then, amongst the struggles that I'm still undergoing, I do however found myself going back to serving God - faithfully and sincerely. Of all places, why in Kuwait? I don’t actually know the answer but I just found myself going with the flow of things. I even developed a new kind social life that is centered with my Church friends and SFC community.

I obviously couldn't really afford expensive things with the very small income that I have, but interestingly I was able to buy myself a brand new Iphone, re-stabilized my wrecked savings account and even paid for this Dubai trip. I even found myself splurging on branded clothes, shoes, bags, accessories and eating at expensive restaurants without asking money from my parents at some point. Amazingly I was also able to help a cousin pay for his tuition from the surplus that I got from my freelance job. Yes, surplus from a very small income that came from a work unexpectedly. I even had the chance to do the things I found myself passionate about like photography and writing after letting myself be in complete surrender to the call of service.

But what’s more interesting? For the past 27 years, I never really found myself committing to any kind of relationship. It’s not that I am scared of love or being in love but I just probably never felt the need to. I thought I am content but then one day God gave me that unexpected gift that gives me joy – an answered prayer. Hopefully. 

All of these blessings suddenly poured unexpectedly. Things I never really thought would come amidst the choices and sacrifices I made prior to deciding to follow His call. Before I may not really know their significance or why these hardships have occurred, but today I am proud to speak out my realizations -that they are God’s victories, my victories.

Honestly, I could go on a different way. I can keep a deaf ear to His call for patience, faithfulness and service. If I hadn't been obedient to His call, I wouldn't be here. I still would have been stuck in my old life where I thought I was really happy with. But life is all about changes and these changes are inevitable. Even though I didn't get the things that I planned for and the dreams that I have always dreamed of, I know God is leading me to the path where I'm supposed to be not where I want to be.

Every day is a challenge but every day is also a victory from God that I would be proud to cherish.